Mr Don,
I will share my many years experience. The best strategy for bike fixing is to firstly buy beer. Not loads of beer, not fall over in the shed and be found the next morning amounts of beer, just a six pack will do. Before you start there are some precautions you have to take, firstly open a beer. Drink it while standing in the shed admiring you bike, this is important as you don’t want to do anything until some alcohol has entered your system. Next get all the hammers, hatchets and hack saws, hide them somewhere where you won’t be able to get them later. I find behind the TV, in the oven, or under the seat the wife is sitting in to be the best spots. Its not that you can’t find them later, its just that when you do, well on to the second six pack, you will be beside either the TV or the Cooker or the Wife and you attention will be drawn away from bike fixing to something that seams are far better idea at the time.
Next get the instructions for what ever you bought, burn them, real men don’t need instructions. Turn on the radio, something rocky. Get out the allen keys and start taking things apart, balance all the bits you remove precariously on a nearby shelf, preferably one over a drain, just take things apart until you have finished the second beer, maybe the third. Then try and take off the bit you are actually replacing, realise its stuck, have another beer, for strength, take all the skin off you knuckles on your next attempt, also try to fall against the shelf with the precariously balanced bits you removed earlier, try and knock as many as possible into the drain, have another beer for the pain. On your next attempt use an enormous lever, and round the ****e out of whatever nut or bolt it happens to be. Loose the head, kick something, run to the oven to get a hammer. Its not in the over , **** it, stick in a pizza, try behind the TV, not there, pull out all the cables, the wife is shouting, that’s right, they are under the wife, try to get them, she looks kind of sexy when she is screaming about the broken TV, try and poke her, give up on that one its a lost cause, grab the hammer and get out of there quick. Get back to the shed, have another beer to recover.
When you have recovered, beat, hack or saw the ****e out of whatever it is, don’t let it beat you. When you have killed it, have another beer, you deserve it. Notice a slight smell of burning pepperoni, must be the neighbours cooking, ignore it. Lash the new bits on, if something doesn’t go on easy, hit it with something, don’t worry if you have bits left over, your saving weight. When its on stand back and admire it, have another beer, try and spin the wheel, turn cranks or whatever it happens to be, wonder why its not working, and what is that racket? Its just the wife again, seams to be standing in the middle of the garden wearing oven gloves screaming about something, tell her to **** off back into the kitchen where she belongs. That’s her back in her place. Have another beer.
Ah one of the washers is on backwards, that must be the problem, take the new bit off to fix it, its stuck, have another beer, for strength, round the *******, go mad, kick the shaggin thing around the shed, **** it and all the bits in a pile in the shed, grab the last beer, your leaving the ****ing thing till the morning.